It certainly takes all kinds, as an inventive man was caught on video getting his greens in, namely a cucumber up his happy cheeks.
Yes, it’s true. Police are searching for a man who was recorded performing a sexual act with a cucumber outside a woman’s home in Washington, DC, according to authorities.
In NSFW footage, the suspect is seen squeezing through a gap in Catherine Baker’s fence earlier this month, then retrieving the famously phallic vegetable from a lunch box in her driveway.
The footage captures the veggie lover with an unlit cigarette between his lips as he secures the earth apple to the car’s grille. He then lowers his pants, bends over, and engages in what Washington City Paper referred to as “Cucumber Sodomy.”
He only pauses his relentless vegetable assault on his rump when a car passes.
Not satisfied, the man pulls up his drawers and steps closer to the home’s front stoop. Again, he appears to drop his britches and resumes pummeling his posterior with the produce.
Finally satisfied, the cucumber aficionado lights a cigarette, tucks the veggie back in his lunch box, and strolls off, not a care in the world.
A Horrified Resident Discovers the Cucumber-Loving Man on Surveillance Footage
Resident Catherine Baker noticed traces of cucumber on her car, prompting her to review the security footage. To her astonishment, she discovered the cucumber-loving man up to his hijinks.
The police have taken notice of the viral video and are actively searching for the perpetrator.
“The Metropolitan Police Department is asking for the community’s help to identify a suspect involved in a Lewd, Indecent, or Obscene Acts, offense in Northwest,” police said in a press release.
“On Friday, September 6, 2024, at approximately 5:00 p.m., the suspect was in the 200 block of N Street, Northwest. The suspect performed a lewd act in view of the public. The suspect then left the scene,” they added.
Meanwhile, we here at Suggest would like to remind our readers to always thoroughly wash their produce. Especially, the firm, phallic veggies.
Rinse your produce before peeling to prevent dirt, booty juice, and bacteria from transferring from the knife to the fruit or vegetable. Gently rub the produce while holding it under clean running water. There’s no need for soap or special produce washes.
Firmer items like cucumbers need extra attention. Use a clean vegetable brush to scrub the surface thoroughly.